25 on my 25th

1. Yesterday I learned something about myself. I love the way squirrels look when they perch themselves on a pole. The shape they take is aesthetically pleasing.
2. I like bread more than I like fruit. That is just a plain fact.
3. You can't have a conversation with a comedian. They don't listen to you. They simply keep their ears open for certain "Keywords", and when they hear those keywords, they search through their memory to think of something funny to say. That is what is most important to them. They want what everyone wants. But they choose an annoying strategy to obtain it.
4. Little green men? More like....big blue oxen!
5. I talk to myself a lot. And when I hear a funny accent, a lot of times I will try to mimic it.
6. They say that certain emotions are caused by certain chemical reactions in the brain, and that the notion of a soul or consciousness beyond matter is a myth. Assuming that is true, then perhaps if some machine could be invented, you might be able to control someone's emotions. Wouldn't that be messed up. But what I wonder is, what if those chemical reactions are simply material reactions to what your emotions are doing. Just because phenomenon Z always seems to be present when event X occurs, that doesn't mean that event X will occur when phenomenon Z is induced.
7. I imagine that chipmunks and rabbits have soft bellies.
8. ...Boy wanders into the woods....gets lost after some time......begins to lose hope......cries for 10.5 minutes......boy runs into a white rabbit.......rabbit says nothing, because rabbits can't talk........
9. I still make faces at myself when I am in the bathroom. Sometimes it lasts for 5-10 minutes. You would think in 25 years I would have exhausted all the faces I could make, but maybe it is just that I can't remember them all and have been repeating the same 12 faces all my life.
10. Cartoons are not real, so I have been told. *I wish I had known that earlier....*
11. You know those fairy tales about people who get into a whole heap of trouble and then a fairy Godmother has compassion on them and makes it possible for the person to return to life the way it was right before things went wrong, but that the person would lose all memory of all that went wrong and of the fairy Godmother? Well I think it is safe to say that I that happened to me this morning. Yep I am pretty sure I ended up accidentally running someone over with my car last night, and then out of sheer fright I hid them in my trunk, then because my nerves were on edge, I drove funny, and a cop pulled me over. Then because I was so scared that he might find the body, I grabbed his gun and told him to lay face down on the ground and throw me his car keys. Then after having sped away, I led a fugitive's life for 3 months. Growing beards, and coloring hair, wearing inconspicuous clothing, never looking anyone in the eye, and staying in the same town no longer than two days at time. Of course I am sure that I befriended a stray dog along the way. A dog having only 3 legs and that having a 3 legged dog-friend was my downfall because who can't help but notice a man with a 3 legged dog. People, I'm sure, were fascinated with me and that dog. I might as well have had a bumper sticker that said "I am a fugitive who ran someone over and the body is still in my trunk". Well I'll bet sooner or later I was caught while getting a biscuit for my dog and I was thrown in jail. At which point the fairy godmother came to me and offered me a 2nd chance, which of course I took because you wouldn't be reading this if I hadn't. So yeah. I am pretty sure that is what happened. Prove me wrong.
12. Finding meaning in life is important. Finding eyelashes in your soup is not.
13. Picasso was sitting in a cafe one afternoon and a woman recognized him. She came over at once with all sorts of praises and one request. She said that she would love to pay him for a sketch of her. Picasso agreed, and in a matter of seconds said, "There you are, I am finished". She was delighted and asked "How much do I owe you?", to which Picasso replied "$10,000". The woman was horrified and protested "But it only took you 10 seconds to draw that!". Picasso grinned and said, "No, it took me a life time". - Moral of the story: "Don't trust dirty Spanish artists"
14. "Mother Neptune, arise and claim thy vengeance upon the Californians and upon all things Californian!” uttered the anti-Californian smart alec.
15. A quarter will get you a 5-stick package of Wrigley's chewing gum. If my math is right, that is 5 cents per stick. If I were to continue, I might say something like, "That means the cost of 1/5 of Wrigley's chewing gum is 1 penny.". But I will to sink to that level. I will choose the honor of my name over this worldly indulgence.
16. ....Man walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "16 or Green?".....The man begins to stutter, unable to reply coherently......a vivid green gel begins to ooze from bartenders forehead......man turns to ice......Russians at the next table order cabbage soup......man thaws out.....bartender sells vivid green gel in bottle labeled "Dr. Smith's Hair Loss Elixir"......
17. I am so glad that there isn't a children's puppet show called "Veggie Boy" which is hosted by a Russian man, because whenever he made the announcement that the show is about to begin, it would sound like "Here's Wedgie Boy" because of the way that Russians pronounce our letter V.
18. What do Cowboys and Spanish Artists have in common? The souls of both are kettle black.
19. "With everything, take a grain of salt" So goes the age old saying. There isn't enough salt in the world to accommodate that long standing proverb because with every grain of salt, you must take another. I think it should be revised to: "With everything besides salt, take a grain of salt"
20. If you are ever at a party with strangers, don't feel like you need to make friends so bad that you have to make up something to get attention like "Hey did you know that if you freeze carbon it becomes anti-matter?". Because they will reject you for saying things like that.
21. My brother Jeff is famous for using nouns as verbs. I will say something like "You kiosk-face!" and he will reply "I'll kiosk you!". Then I will usually say something like, "I thought I told you not to use nouns as verbs so long as you live in this house young man!", to which he says "I'll noun you!". One of these days he'll learn. I hope it is before They come to saw his legs off.
22. [Christian Comedian speaking at a Christian Family Camp in Northern Minnesota] "You know... it is so funny that the Lord chose to send all those demons into the pigs....I mean, why didn't he send them into all the Mosquitoes?.....[comedian pauses for laughter]......[comedian mops his brow].....[only one person laughs, but it is because he spilled some juice on his wife's blouse].
23. [Jewish Comedian speaking at a Jewish Family Camp in Northern New Jersey] "You know... it is so funny that the Lord chose to send all those demons into the pigs....I mean, why didn't he send them into all the Mosquitoes?.....[comedian pauses for laughter]......[comedian mops his brow].....[no one laughs].
24. I remember once when I was a young boy. I was outside on one of the hottest days of the summer wearing jeans and a thick sweater. I started to complain that I was sooo hot and I couldn't bear it any longer. My siblings tried to persuade me to take off my sweater so that I would be cool. I wouldn't because I was sure that if I did, then there would be nothing to block the sun from my skin. Golly, I was such an idiot back then!
25. [Jesse] "I am so glad we live in a country that forbids it's citizens from eating meat AND corn in the same day" [Marcos] "But Jesse, our country DOESN'T forbid you from eating meat AND corn on the same day. In fact it is encouraged" [Jesse, sobbing deep sobs] "Oh that I were born an Aztec, then I would be among my brethren who forbade the eating of meat AND corn on the same day!" [Marcos] "Um Jesse....The Aztecs didn't forbid it either" [Jesse, now in a heap of snot and tears on the floor] "Woe is me...and woe to this cruel world in which man shall never know peace"